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Mindfulness and Grief: On Missing Mom

My phenomenal mother, Mrs. Barbara C. Jordan AKA Ma, Mom, Aunt Bobbie ["o" pronounced like long "i"], Honey/Suga'/Bae [Because Beyonce is not the first!), Mama BJ, and simply, Barbara, departed this life on June 4, 2018. My mother was the light in our family and will remain the THE light. She was the glue that held us all together and the General that pushed us to be our personal and collective best. I don't think there was one person in the family that she didn't help in some way. She lectured and roasted, babysat, loaned money, birthday gifted, baked sweets, made blankets, temporarily housed, co-signed, prayed, and looked out for just about every relative -- especially the younger ones. She was our rock, our matriarch. Twenty-three days after she bid this life goodbye I am trying to negotiate the massive space left by her absence. Friends and family send their much appreciated condolences and warm wishes. Yet, as loving as they are, they do very little in those moments when I am alone and trying to figure out how to negotiate the vast space left by the absence of my first love, my mother. I’ve recently taken up yoga as a way to help ease my pain and sorrow. As opposed to the countless other times I’ve tried yoga, this time my soul needs it. Other attempts have been motivated by a desire to lose weight or to be Zen trendy. The motivation is much different this go 'round. I need the flexibility, the self -compassion, the strength, and the solidity that yoga might offer me now. As a mindfulness practitioner and spiritual person, I am allowing myself to be present to my grief. I attune to how I am feeling and if I chose, I allow the tears to fall whether I'm in Costco, driving on 495, or on my front porch. I'm aware that grief can be felt in the body so I am taking care of myself as best I can. I am slowing down, committing to only one major personal and professional task per day. And I am savoring in the memories of mom and feeling deep gratitude for all that we experienced together. Today on the phone, a dear sister friend said that I sounded in good spirits. I AM in good spirits! Even when I'm sad I am in good spirits! i loved up my mom as much as I could and she did the same for me. For all of us. It is well with my soul and I will cherish my mother and remain connected to my mother, my sweet little lady, forever!

Mom and Me, Mt. Zion Pentecostal Church, 2015

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